I almost never look in the mirror now - I don't have time.
I hate looking people in the eye. It leaves me too vulnerable.
I'm not a big fan of my post-baby body right now. Things stick out where they shouldn't stick out.
I wrestle every day with the whole principle of the thing. The practical reasons for the project are numerous, but they don't shut up the voices in my head that tell me I shouldn't take pictures of myself, just as I shouldn't spend too much time in front of a mirror, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I don't shoot beauty simply for the sake of beauty. Most times, the beauty I find is something to which my spirit responds, something that tells me about God, something that lifts my heart to Him.
Self-portraits don't do that for me yet.
As a photographer, I have to look at my own composition, my own focus, and decide whether it is a good photo. Never mind the expressions I manage just in time for the self-timer. I've never been a poser. I hate my own posed shots. I hate seeing my own concentration or fakeitude or discomfort.
I'm not really into the self-worth doctrine flying around the artistic world around whose edges I occasionally lurk. My worth comes from Christ; I am not ashamed to say this. It keeps me humble - and not in the groveling sense. In the sense that I am dust; I am NOT all that.
The catch for me is the concept of humbling myself as Jesus did to lay my own glory aside, despising my shame. Because there is no shame for me in Him.
I can capture that in anyone who knows Him.
Taking it for myself is another story.
This project is making me face me before God. It is a gut-wrenching, truth-telling experience I didn't expect. I see my face now; I am more aware of my attitudes and responses. I know how self-conscious I really am.
I hope to gain un-self-consciousness. There's something so beautiful about abandon. Living without measure. Life abundant.
Pulled out the wedding veil to mess with on a short shoot today, and had a hey-day with cropping in processing. I went a little closer with the lens - the house is still a mess. This was my second choice shot, no veil:
I need to find some more people to photograph. Not that I have time.
(Image © Informal Moments Photography)
Mar 10 - Learning Abandon